A Year in Photo - Day 61

Well, my gut feeling was right and it looks like I'm going to be doing ECT (Electroconvulsive Therapy) again. As much as I knew it in my gut before I even saw my doc today, it’s a hard pill to swallow. I’m scared but I trust my doctor 100% and we have tried so many things since January that this is the next logical step. Apparently the slate is quite full right now so my doctor wasn’t sure when I will start exactly but it will probably be in the next one to two weeks, in Penticton because that's where he is. They will schedule me for 12 sessions, normally 3 a week, but sometimes 2, and we can stop at any point if we are finding good results before the 12 are done.

This time he is going to do it unilaterally, not bilaterally like the last 18, to try to avoid the major memory loss I had last time. I'm trying to take it one step at a time but it's difficult. Today had been a hard day. Especially since it would have been the 31st birthday of a good friend, who died by suicide due to mental illness. 

But with all that said, I want my life back! I’m tired of feeling this way, of not working and having an income/career. Of never knowing how I'm going to feel or going from high to low and back again. I want to build a life with Steve, to have a family and to live our dreams!  I’m struggling but managing...

"The lotus is the most beautiful flower, whose petals open one by one. But it will only grow in the mud. In order to grow and gain wisdom, first your must have the mud --- the obstacles of life and its suffering. ... The mud speaks of the common ground that humans share, no matter what our stations in life. ... Whether we have it all or we have nothing, we are all faced with the same obstacles: sadness, loss, dying and death. If we are to strive as human beings to gain more wisdom, more kindness, and more compassion, we must have the intention to grow as a lotus and open each petal one by one." - Goldie Hawn