A Year in Photo - Day 48

Today was a hard day, really hard. My anxiety was/is out of control and I am feeling discouraged. For those of you who have never experienced anxiety, I truly mean it when I say, I hope you never do. 

I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD), which basically means that I am just generally anxious and not anxious about anything in particular. What is so frustrating about this for me is I can't identify a specific issue and then try to work through it, I'm just anxious. Anxiety manifests itself differently for everyone but for me it's very physical:

• Shortness of breath
• Feels like my skin is crawling
• Can't sit still
• Racing heart
• Numb/tingly arms and legs 
• Irritability
• Indecisiveness
• Muscle tension
• Insomnia
• Restlessness
• Feeling edgy
• Trouble finding my words
• Lose my train of thought mid-sentence
• Easily overwhelmed by noise
• Sweating
• Difficulty concentrating / Staying on task
• Tiredness
• Trembling
• Easily startled

I don't always experience all of these at the same time but when I'm having a bad day, like today, sometimes I do. I generally try to remain positive about my depression and anxiety but that's easier said than done, and today was one of those days. When I saw my psychiatrist last, who I trust completely, he brought up Electro-Shock Therapy (ECT) again. I had 18 treatments between the end of 2012 and beginning and 2013 and the first time he suggested we may need to do more (this was months ago), I FREAKED, but this time I feel more settled with the idea. Don't get me wrong, it's not something I look forward to, but I just want my life back.

I've developed coping skills and I have things that I can do that usually help when I'm feeling this way, but today nothing was working. Being outside often helps but with the air quality advisory, I have asthma, and how hot it is, I pretty much spent the day inside. When I went out for a walk with Steve and Sig tonight I was looking for my picture of the day; I wanted something that represented my day. I went over to say hi to my neighbour Archie and, low and behold, he was dismantaling an air conditioner unit and there were a bunch of exposed wires on the table. Perfect! When I'm not feeling well I often describe it as my wires being crossed, cut or short-circuiting, in short, a jumbled mess. 

"There are wounds that never show on the body that are deeper and more hurtful than anything that bleeds." -Laurell K. Hamilton