A Year in Photo - Day 278

Operation Distraction continues....I stuffed every hay bag on the farm, I think about 28, caught 2 chickens, prepped a paddock, prepared supplements, loved with some of the horses and just generally killed time at the farm. It was fabulous!

"Great things happen when you pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and go after life with determination and courage." -Billy Cox

A Year in Photo - Day 277

Some things just don't seem fair; the very meds that have made me well are making me unwell. I've finally got to the point where I am trying to decrease one of my anxiety medications, which is awesome. Unfortunately, in doing so, despite following the doctors orders and doing a very slow decrease, I'm met with withdrawal symptoms. Nausea, achy muscles, poor concentration, cement limbs, headache, UGH! 

The plus side? I'm not feeling anxious with the decrease so I know I am doing the right thing, I just have to remain headstrong and power through the physical symptoms. 

Distraction was my goal today and I finished my day with some fresh air and some time working with Gally. He begrudgingly allowed me to braid his tail and it's clear my tail braiding skills need some work, but it was fun and it provided some relief.

"You either get bitter or you get better. It's that simple. You either take what has been dealt to you and allow it to make you a better person, or you allow it to tear you down.
The choice does not belong to fate, it belongs to you." -Josh Shipp

A Year in Photo - Day 259

The stars were so beautiful at the farm last night, but try as I might, I couldn't get a photo of them. I guess it's kinda like my anxiety, you can't see it, but it's there.

"Do not let your difficulties fill you with anxiety, after all it is only in the darkest nights that stars shine more brightly." -Hazrat Ali Ibn Abu-Talib A.S

A Year in Photo - Day 255

Nothing helps my anxiety like puppy love. Sig always seems to know when I'm not feeling well and has been glued to me for days. 

"If I had a dollar for every time my dog made me smile, I would be a millionaire." -Unknown

A Year in Photo - Day 254

After another anxious day I decided to get some Therapy...the wine that is. They say this Freud guy knows a thing or two about psych issues so I figure it's worth a shot :)

"You can't control everything. Sometimes you just need to relax and have faith that things will work out. Let go a little and just let life happen." -Kody Keplinger

A Year in Photo - Day 253

Nothing helps my anxiety like sunshine and hanging with my nephew, who thinks he's a parrot, at the dog park.

"Every experience, no matter how bad it seems, holds within it a blessing of some kind. The goal is to find it." -Buddha

A Year in Photo - Day 252

For the last 4 years I would be really struggling with my depression, anxiety and seasonal affective disorder at this time of year. But this year is different, and I truly believe it's my involvement with horses, being outside so much, good old physical labour and, of course, all the amazing support I have around me. I'm thankful that today my grey fingernails don't represent my mood, just the crappy weather :)

"Storms make trees take deeper roots." -Dolly Parton

A Year in Photo - Day 246

As I've mentioned before, full moon's really affect my mental wellness, even a few days before or a few days after. Saturday was a full moon and I did okay, but I made up for it on Sunday. I went out to feed the horses and was feeling great, until I started to do some running around afterwards. After a couple of stops, including a Starbucks run where the guy in front of me stopped at least 4 ft. from the car in front of him, preventing me from reaching the speaker by about a foot, the errands were cut short to protect public safety...

"The ancients realized that everything on our planet depends on & is affected
by the natural rhythms of our Moon." -Hibiscus Moon

A Year in Photo - Day 193

After a tough day, what do you do? Spend the day at the farm learning how to humanely kill turkeys. The turkeys in this photo are still alive and went totally calm when held upside-down. When I first started spending time on the farm I didn't know if I would be okay with this but I truly am.

These animals have had a great life and are killed in the most humane was possible. When I told my Mom about it she was surprised I would be able to deal with it but for me, I see them as a food source and I know that everything is done to ensure the process is as painless and stress free as possible.

This photo makes me look like a madwoman, which, maybe I am, haha. But after a couple of photos I got goofy. AND, I've always had a fear of catching/holding chickens and turkeys. I can walk around them no problem but they make so much noise and flap their wings when they are picked up and it startles me. So holding this turkey, I didn't catch it, was a bit of a win for me.

Big thanks to Kristi for teaching me so much and being so patient with my countless questions!

"I learned that courage was not the absence of fear,
but the triumph over it." -Nelson Mandela

A Year in Photo - Day 192

I'm going along, life is going great, hanging outside with the horses Monday to Friday, working on the Pack the Purse project, and spending time with friends and family.....when BAM, anxiety hits me like a tonne of bricks. 

I had a great morning, woke up rested, talked to my Mom and then headed out to the farm. Then, everything that could go wrong while I was feeding did, nothing major just little things. By the time I was 3/4 of the way done my anxiety was so bad that I had to leave, without finishing. Fail. At least that's what I felt like, a failure. Here we go again, the cloudy winter is here and so is my winter slip into depression and anxiety. I felt crushed, like I was going to throw up and really desolate.

Thankfully I have an amazing support network, so instead I'm trying to think that this is just ONE bad day, tomorrow is a new day and it will be better.

And my faithful therapy dog Sig knew something was up too. He was glued to me all afternoon and even willingly shared the heating pad. 

"Never have I dealt with anything more difficult than my own soul, which sometimes helps me and sometimes opposes me." -Imam Al-Ghazali

A Year in Photo - Day 142

This week was Mental Illness Awareness Week, and today is Mental Health Day. As most of you know by now, I have Major Depressive Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder and Seasonal Affective Disorder, so this is a very important day for me.

We have come a long way with mental illness but we have a long way to go; the treatment of the mentally ill, the programs and services that are available, or lack there of, financial support, stigma, support in the workplace and oh so much more.

So let's GET LOUD because too many people suffer in silence, which is heartbreaking to me. I challenge you all to take the pledge to GET LOUD, http://getloud.mentalhealthweek.ca/, to bring awareness to mental illness and to everyone who's been diagnosed with it or affected by it. 

1 in 5 Canadians experience mental illness yet the stigma about what a mentally ill person looks like continues to perpetuate the stigma, and that's a problem. I took this photo straight out of bed, no makeup etc., do I look like someone with mental illness? I don't know, but what I do know is mental illness doesn't have a look. 

The face of mental illness is not what the stereotype dictates....if you are comfortable, post your photo in the comments or email it to me (Chelsey_99_@hotmail.com) and I will create a collage of our faces, the faces of mental illness.

Depression is not selfish.
Anxiety is not rude.
Schizophrenia is not wrong.

Mental Illness isn't self-centered,
any more than a broken leg
or the flu is self-centered.

If your mental illness makes you
feel guilty, review the definition
of "illness" and try to treat yourself
with the same respect and concern
you would show to a cancer patient
or a person with pneumonia.
-Unknown

#ayearinphoto #MIAW #WMHD #getloud #mentalillness #mentalhealth #mentalillnessday #wakeupoliticians #cmha #cmhakelowna #stigma #stereotypes #noshame #faceofmentalillness

A Year in Photo - Day 122

Fall is always a hard time of year for me. I love the colour of the leaves, but I don't like that all the trees in my backyard become naked, revealing the trashy "cottages" behind us. I love that the temperature starts to drop and I can turn off our noisy A/C unit and air out our house, but I don't like the grey skies and increased rain. I love the fall fruit, but I'm reminded that soon my only option will be expensive, flavourless, grocery store fruit. 

But the hardest part of fall is the reminder that winter is just around the corner. In addition to my anxiety and depression, I have Seasonal Affective Disorder (S.A.D.), which is exacerbated by Kelowna's notoriously gloomy winter's and lack of sunshine. I try not to think about it but it's hard not to reminded that, over the past few years, winter has been my most difficult time mentally; often resulting in medication increases and hard days. So although I can see the good in the fall, I'm left with a pit in my stomach.

For now I'm trying to appreciate fall for it's beauty and set myself up for success this winter; creating a schedule, giving myself a purpose and something to work towards, and trying not to dwell on the past winters, who knows, maybe this year will be different.

"If you're feeling frightened about what comes next, don't be. Embrace the uncertainty. Allow it to lead you places. Be brave as it challenges you to exercise both your heart and your mind as you create your own path toward happiness; don't waste time with regret. Spin wildly into your next action. Enjoy the present, each moment, as it comes, because you'll never get another one quite like it. And if you should ever look up and find yourself lost, simply take a breath and start over. Retrace your steps and go back to the purest place in your heart...where your hope lives. You'll find your way again." -Everwood

A Year in Photo - Day 106

Feeling a little off this evening, I went for a drive after I saw the horses, something I often do when I'm feeling out of sorts. I turned down a road I didn't know, came up over the crest of the hill and this is what a saw. A reminder of why we live where we do. In that moment, although I didn't feel 100%, I felt grateful for the opportunities I have been given, for the amazing people in my life and for where I am today.

Don't Quit

When things go wrong as they sometimes will,
When the road you're trudging seems all uphill
When the funds are low and the debts are high,
And you want to smile, but you have to sign,
When care is pressing you down a bit -
Rest if you must, but don't quit.

Life is strange with its twists and turns,
As every one of us sometimes learns,
And many a fellow turns about
When he might have won had he stuck it out.
Don't give up though the pace seems slow -
You may succeed with another blow.

Often the goal is nearer than
It seems to a fair and faltering man,
Often the struggler has given up
When he might have captured the victor's cup,
And he learned too late when night came down,
How close he was to the golden crown.

Success is failure turned inside out -
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt,
And you never can tell how close you are,
It may be near when it seems afar,
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit,-
It's when things seem worst that you mustn't quit.
-Author Unknown

A Year in Photo - Day 62

Never underestimate an anxious person's ability to do whatever is necessary to cope. In today's case, I desperately needed some exercise to blow off some anxious steam and I needed some horse therapy too....but what about all my gear. Problem solved, I loaded MeeMeep (my bike) up with everything I normally haul in my car...farm shoes, my grooming stuff, a lunge rope, a snack, lots of water, baby wipes (to "wash" my hands"), id, hat, oh and I couldn't forget my dressage whip.

Best part? Steve coming to see me and then going home to get our back rack, returning to pick me up so I didn't have to ride up the slight incline home after tiring myself out with the minis. I'm so spoiled.

"Water does not resist. Water flows. When you plunge your hand into it, all you feel is a caress. Water is not a solid wall, it will not stop you. But water always goes where it wants to go, and nothing in the end can stand against it. Water is patient. Dripping water wears away a stone. Remember that, my child. Remember you are half water. If you can't go through an obstacle, go around it. Water does." -Margaret Atwood

A Year in Photo - Day 61

Well, my gut feeling was right and it looks like I'm going to be doing ECT (Electroconvulsive Therapy) again. As much as I knew it in my gut before I even saw my doc today, it’s a hard pill to swallow. I’m scared but I trust my doctor 100% and we have tried so many things since January that this is the next logical step. Apparently the slate is quite full right now so my doctor wasn’t sure when I will start exactly but it will probably be in the next one to two weeks, in Penticton because that's where he is. They will schedule me for 12 sessions, normally 3 a week, but sometimes 2, and we can stop at any point if we are finding good results before the 12 are done.

This time he is going to do it unilaterally, not bilaterally like the last 18, to try to avoid the major memory loss I had last time. I'm trying to take it one step at a time but it's difficult. Today had been a hard day. Especially since it would have been the 31st birthday of a good friend, who died by suicide due to mental illness. 

But with all that said, I want my life back! I’m tired of feeling this way, of not working and having an income/career. Of never knowing how I'm going to feel or going from high to low and back again. I want to build a life with Steve, to have a family and to live our dreams!  I’m struggling but managing...

"The lotus is the most beautiful flower, whose petals open one by one. But it will only grow in the mud. In order to grow and gain wisdom, first your must have the mud --- the obstacles of life and its suffering. ... The mud speaks of the common ground that humans share, no matter what our stations in life. ... Whether we have it all or we have nothing, we are all faced with the same obstacles: sadness, loss, dying and death. If we are to strive as human beings to gain more wisdom, more kindness, and more compassion, we must have the intention to grow as a lotus and open each petal one by one." - Goldie Hawn

A Year in Photo - Day 48

Today was a hard day, really hard. My anxiety was/is out of control and I am feeling discouraged. For those of you who have never experienced anxiety, I truly mean it when I say, I hope you never do. 

I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD), which basically means that I am just generally anxious and not anxious about anything in particular. What is so frustrating about this for me is I can't identify a specific issue and then try to work through it, I'm just anxious. Anxiety manifests itself differently for everyone but for me it's very physical:

• Shortness of breath
• Feels like my skin is crawling
• Can't sit still
• Racing heart
• Numb/tingly arms and legs 
• Irritability
• Indecisiveness
• Muscle tension
• Insomnia
• Restlessness
• Feeling edgy
• Trouble finding my words
• Lose my train of thought mid-sentence
• Easily overwhelmed by noise
• Sweating
• Difficulty concentrating / Staying on task
• Tiredness
• Trembling
• Easily startled

I don't always experience all of these at the same time but when I'm having a bad day, like today, sometimes I do. I generally try to remain positive about my depression and anxiety but that's easier said than done, and today was one of those days. When I saw my psychiatrist last, who I trust completely, he brought up Electro-Shock Therapy (ECT) again. I had 18 treatments between the end of 2012 and beginning and 2013 and the first time he suggested we may need to do more (this was months ago), I FREAKED, but this time I feel more settled with the idea. Don't get me wrong, it's not something I look forward to, but I just want my life back.

I've developed coping skills and I have things that I can do that usually help when I'm feeling this way, but today nothing was working. Being outside often helps but with the air quality advisory, I have asthma, and how hot it is, I pretty much spent the day inside. When I went out for a walk with Steve and Sig tonight I was looking for my picture of the day; I wanted something that represented my day. I went over to say hi to my neighbour Archie and, low and behold, he was dismantaling an air conditioner unit and there were a bunch of exposed wires on the table. Perfect! When I'm not feeling well I often describe it as my wires being crossed, cut or short-circuiting, in short, a jumbled mess. 

"There are wounds that never show on the body that are deeper and more hurtful than anything that bleeds." -Laurell K. Hamilton

A Year in Photo - Day 47 + Completed Summer 2015 Bucket List Items

Picking cherries in the Okanagan is one of my favourite things to do, I can't justify spend $3.50/lb.+ in stores/fruit stands if I can easily do it myself. So today in about a half hour (tops) I picked 8lbs. of cherries at Hoffman Orchards (2512 Longhill Road), for $2/lb. I've seen them as low as $1/lb. but those were backyard trees and aren't always great quality. We've picked here before and I wasn't disappointed today. Huge lapin cherries, perfectly ripe, not full of worms or all rotten. I would DEFINITELY recommend them. 

I went home and proceeded to make my first lattice top cherry pie and I'm super pleased with the result.

Two more Summer 2015 Bucket List Items completed despite some wicked anxiety today.

"Be gentle with yourself, you're doing the best you can." -Unknown

A Year in Photo - Day 45 + Okanagan Trestle Tour

I did it, I did it, I frickin' did it!!! I signed Steve and I up for the Okanagan Trestle Tour 40 km bike ride back in February as a long term fitness goal. Due to several factors I didn't get on my bike as much as I wanted and my longest ride was only 15 km, so I was nervous. What kept me going was that the course was listed as being flat for the first 4 km and a slight decline for the remaining 36 km. We went in to it with the thought that we would have a leisurely ride, on a gravel path, at our own pace, it was not a race.

After a 5 a.m. wake up call, for those of you know me, I don't do mornings, and a coffee in hand, we set out to Penticton. Our bikes were loaded by about 8:30 a.m. and we were shuttled up to the Chute Lake Resort; as we drove up I was so tired my eyes were rolling into my head and I was doing the head bob, all I could think of was get me off this bus so I can get on my bike and wake up. After signing in we started our ride around 9:30 a.m. 

Within minutes my anxiety was through the roof and I was scared. The trail was very sandy and quite rocky, something I wasn't used to; I felt like I had no control of my bike. We stopped a couple of times but after 10 km I really didn't know if I could do it. As always, my husband and cheerleader reassured me, we locked out my shocks, which seemed to help, and I literally talked myself through it. I was able to bring my anxiety down by using the tools I've learned working with horses; bringing my energy down to ensure theirs doesn't go up. In this case, bringing my energy down and coaching myself through the sand that was making me fish tail, the jagged boulders that seemed to just pop up out of the ground and having to cross the "centre line", which was worse than the sides, to pass people.

After about 25 kms we came down a hill and I didn't think I would ever be so happy to see paved road, unfortunately it didn't last but the view was incredible. The remaining 15 kms of the ride was filled with stunning views, better conditions, vineyards and orchards. After 2 hours and 4 minutes of riding time (not including stops) we arrived at the Penticton Lakeside Resort.

I am so incredibly proud of what Steve and I accomplished today. He's not just my husband, he's my team mate, always encouraging me and supporting me when I think I can't. I could not have done it without him. 

7:14 a.m. - Unloading our bikes and feeling excited

9:15 a.m. - At Chute Lake Resort, waiting for our bikes to be unloaded off the truck

9:30 a.m. - Off we go!!

10:40 a.m. - Our first view of the lake and PAVEMENT!

So happy to be on pavement, unfortunately it ended just around the corner!

6 p.m. - Whew, this picture is a doozy but with all the excitement we forgot to take a picture at the end of the ride. Home and showered, I was so exhausted I could not keep my eyes open, but it was SO worth it! Nap time!

~  ~  ~

"She was unstoppable, not because she did not have failures or doubts, but because she continued on despite them." -Beau Taplin

A Year in Photo - Day 43

I am still so shocked and overwhelmed that I'm not even sure where to start. As you all know Steve and I participated in Ride Don't Hide on June 21st, an event that means so much to me. With the help of my amazing family and friends, I raised $1,200!!

On this past Tuesday when I got home there was a message on my answering machine from Candace from the Kelowna Branch of the Canadian Mental Health Association, letting me know that I won one of the donated prizes, a ONE THOUSAND DOLLAR gift card to Fresh Air. My jaw literally dropped,as I slowly walked to the kitchen to tell Steve I still couldn't believe it; I don't win things, especially not big things, I was floored.

Today I went and picked up my gift card; I am so incredibly thankful and feel so blessed. As many of you know, I bought a new bike earlier this year and I LOVE it, but there is some gear that I have been wanting that just isn't in the budget. And it couldn't have come at a better time as Steve and I are doing the 40km Okanagan Trestle Tour on Sunday.

So to Jim Bates and the team at Fresh Air, your generosity truly will change my life and I cannot thank you enough. I will see you soon, I need some gear!! And thank you to all my amazing supporters, I couldn't do it without you!!

"Owning our story and loving ourselves through that process is the bravest thing that we'll do." -

Brené Brown 

A Year in Photo - Day 42

So the good ol' full moon arrived right on schedule, and with it brought my anxiety with a vengeance. By dinner time I was crawling out of my skin, so I decided to go work with the mini horses as I usually leave feeling much better. Unfortunately, despite my best efforts to bring my energy down, they could sense my anxiety and pretty much wanted nothing to do with me. So I did the next best thing, hard labour. I raked their entire pen (see A Year In Photo - Day's 33 & 39 for a comparison), filling one wheelbarrow and making 3 other large piles (I wasn't sure where they dumped their manure). The best part is the sprinklers went on part way through so I kept getting a nice cool spray. The minis seemed happy with my work, checking the piles and following me around as I raked. By the time I left I was filthy but happy, and way less anxious. Success!!

"Manure helps a garden grow. Think of yourself as a garden, ever changing. All the shit in your life serves your growth, and helps transform you into something strong, and resilient, and beautiful." -Scott Stabile